News, Views and Advice

Nation Would Not Be Surprised At This Point If Chris Brown Allegedly Traveled Back In Time And Punched Anne Frank

Onion News - Mon, 01/28/2013 - 17:05
LOS ANGELES—Following reports of singer Chris Brown's recent involvement in a vicious brawl over a parking space, Americans admitted Monday they would not be all that surprised at this point if news leaked that the short-fused R&B performer had ...

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Opinion: When Will These Senseless Gun Debates Come To An End? (by Wayne LaPierre)

Onion News - Mon, 01/28/2013 - 16:07
By Wayne LaPierre, NRA CEO

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Players Rest Up For Grueling Week Of Super Bowl Hype

Onion News - Mon, 01/28/2013 - 15:05
NEW ORLEANS—Ahead of the much-anticipated matchup between the Ravens and 49ers, sources confirmed Tuesday that players from both teams have been resting up for an arduous week of intense Super Bowl hype.

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Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl

Onion News - Mon, 01/28/2013 - 15:00
WASHINGTON—Football fans across the nation were reportedly exhilarated this week, claiming that they were thrilled for the much-anticipated opportunity to finally see a Harbaugh lose a Super Bowl.

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Infographic: Women's Increasing Role In Combat

Onion News - Mon, 01/28/2013 - 14:33
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced last week that the U.S. armed forces would lift a regulation that barred women from serving in official combat roles on the front lines.

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Despite Lessons Of Cautionary Film 'Multiplicity,' Geneticists Determined To Clone Michael Keaton

Onion News - Mon, 01/28/2013 - 12:00
WASHINGTON—A team of geneticists in Boston earned a stern rebuke from the scientific community this week when, despite the lessons learned from the 1996 cautionary film Multiplicity, they vowed to press ahead with their efforts to clone actor...

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Editorial Cartoon: Yawn Of The Dead

Onion News - Mon, 01/28/2013 - 11:50
Yawn Of The Dead

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American Voices: J.J. Abrams To Direct New 'Star Wars' Movie

Onion News - Mon, 01/28/2013 - 11:20
Disney has selected J.J. Abrams, director of the recently rebooted Star Trek franchise and co-creator of the TV show Lost, to direct the upcoming Star Wars sequel, slated for release in 2015.

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Peter King Works Terrible Stay At Courtyard Marriott Into Every Component Of Super Bowl Preview

Onion News - Sun, 01/27/2013 - 11:45
NEW YORK—Sports Illustrated’s Peter King published his lengthy preview of Super Bowl XLVII Sunday, drawing particular attention from readers in large part due to nearly 50 mentions of a terrible stay at a Courtyard Marriott littered thr...

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