New Zealand, which requires government approval of all baby names before they become official, released a list of the names it has rejected, including “4Real,” “Anal,” and a symbol of a star.

GAINESVILLE, FL—After being waived by the New York Jets and so far receiving no offers from other NFL teams, former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was reportedly sitting alone in the darkness of his alma mater’s deserted football stadium...

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a nationally televised press conference from the White House this morning, President Obama explained to the nation how they load all those cars onto the trailer of one of those big transport trucks. “Good morning. Those ...

WASHINGTON—A 150 percent increase in teen pregnancy rates over the past decade has led more high schools to eliminate “Fuck Your Brains Out,” a national sexual education program that encourages adolescents to have sex frequently and with...

MIAMI—Reflecting on their first-round playoff series, members of the Miami Heat expressed their genuine surprise Thursday that they needed four games to beat the Milwaukee Bucks, team sources confirmed.

Which Kids' Shows Traumatized Us?

GOLDEN, CO—Visibly beaming with pride, Boston Market CEO George Michel told reporters Thursday that the food at his restaurant chain “has rarely, if ever, been more disgusting.” “From macaroni covered in congealed, room-temperature...

Derek Jeter Transferred To 60,000 Day DL

A California woman has been charged with attempted murder after allegedly placing two bottles of orange juice containing lethal amounts of rubbing alcohol into a refrigerated case at a Starbucks in San Jose.

President Barack Obama renewed his 2008 campaign promise to close the detention facility at Guantánamo Bay, where roughly 100 detainees are currently on a hunger strike that has required many of them to be force-fed by special medical personnel.

SUMNER, NE—The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum officially opened to the public on Wednesday, housing a variety of exhibits honoring the legacy of the former vice president on display in a vast, dark, sulfurous cave thousands o...

HARRISON, AR—When six former Confederate officers gathered in the winter of 1865 to establish a private social club, none of them could have dreamed that their small group would one day grow into America’s preeminent white nationalist organiza...

DARTMOUTH, MA—After federal authorities arrested two students from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth on Tuesday in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings, officials at the university told reporters they are starting to seriously regret...

PALM BEACH, FL—Following an extravagant wedding ceremony attended by hundreds of famous guests, former NBA star Michael Jordan inadvertently left for his honeymoon with one of his mistresses, sources confirmed Wednesday.

DECATUR, GA—Announcing a special offer aimed at “whetting appetites like never before,” the Applebee’s restaurant chain said Wednesday that for a limited time customers will be able to purchase 50 appetizers at the discounted price...

PHILADELPHIA—Following a series of creative disputes, third-grade student Jeffrey Milner has been removed from day-to-day control of the “What I Want More Than Anything” assignment he is required to hand in during art class tomorrow, hou...

NEW YORK—Following recent reports linking him to a Miami-based clinic supplying performance-enhancing drugs, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly warned accusers Tuesday that if they testified against him in court, it would come down to t...

While 23,000 feet up Mt. Everest, three European climbers claimed they were physically attacked by 100 Sherpa guides after they disobeyed the Sherpas’ commands and knocked ice onto one of the Sherpas below, though both sides later made peace.

Former Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O’Connor said the court’s decision to hear the case of Bush v.

HOMS, SYRIA—As Syrian military aircraft rained chlorine gas on his community Tuesday, local man Amir Najjar, 36, reportedly assured himself that military and humanitarian aid from foreign governments must certainly be racing toward the country at th...