MIAMI—After receiving 120 of 121 first-place votes from NBA media members, Miami Heat star LeBron James admitted to reporters Thursday that he can’t enjoy his fourth league Most Valuable Player award with the knowledge that Boston Globe...

WHIPPANY, NJ—Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned.

RUTLAND, VT—Saying that the service is easy to set up and will make her life a lot less complicated, area woman Julie Clifford told reporters today that instead of constantly searching for the latest online news about Kevin Costner, she plans to jus...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that nothing about the city really evokes the strong sense of pride and endurance that typically serves as a source of strength in a time of need, members of President Barack Obama’s speech writing team admitted Thursday th...

LOS ANGELES—Passengers on flight 657 from Detroit to Los Angeles confirmed Wednesday that the trip was repeatedly disrupted by the noisy and obnoxious behavior of an annoying Kid Rock seated in the fifth row.

What Are We Piecing Together From Last Night?

After 17 years underground, as many as one trillion so-called Brood II cicadas are beginning to emerge along the East Coast for their brief two- to four-week adulthood, during which time they will sing, feed, mate, and lay eggs.

MIAMI—Following the Bulls upset of the Heat in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semifinals, Chicago center Joakim Noah boldly guaranteed Monday that he will annoy the living fuck out of Miami in this series.

By Amanda Berry, Georgina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight

Jerry Lewis Undergoes Emergency Gefloigel Surgery

SULLIVAN’S ISLAND, SC—Hours after former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won back his old congressional seat Tuesday, the philandering politician’s ex-wife, Jenny Sanford, told reporters that she couldn’t express enough ...

Four years after famously lying to his staff and constituents that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in actuality he was visiting his secret Argentine lover, former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won a special congressional election yesterda...

NEW YORK—Stressing that “continuously adapting to new technology is a must,” famed writer, actor, and director Woody Allen confirmed Thursday that he remains incredibly preoccupied with maintaining and updating his personal website, Wood...

Philanderer Taken Back

By Derek Ralphs

PURCHASE, NY—Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.

WASHINGTON—In an urgent message broadcast on every U.S. television network, Environmental Protection Agency officials announced Wednesday that Americans should avoid breathing at all costs.

NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by Forbes magazine, every person who has regularly watched CNBC’s financial program Mad Money since its 2005 premiere is now a multibillionaire.

A study found that parents could help prevent allergies in their infants by sucking on their children’s pacifiers before returning them to the kids, thereby introducing them to a variety of oral bacteria and aiding their immune system development.

Cody Wilson, founder of the libertarian nonprofit Defense Distributed, has created a functional plastic gun on a 3D printer that uses standard handgun rounds, demonstrating that anyone with such technology can make their own largely undetectable and untra...