Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

Narcissist Thrilled To Find Symptoms In DSM-IV

NEW YORK—The NHL announced Tuesday it would study the possible safety and injury risks of playing hockey on Astro-Ice, an artificial rink-surfacing material used by many teams instead of expensive and difficult-to-maintain ice, the solid state of wa...

FOX 6 p.m. EST/5 p.m. CST Judge Tommy rules that to recover his money from a crooked car dealer, plaintiff Clark Reynolds first has to kiss a dog's butt.

COLUMBUS, OH—Fantastic roommate Billy Grant just won't stop buying toilet paper.

During primary season, it can be tough to decide whom you wish to nominate for president of the United States. Here are some simple ways to decide which candidate is right for you: Don’t vote for anyone who can’t make free throws, b...

Nine whooping cranes that had been following an ultralight aircraft as it guided them on their migratory route stopped when they reached Alabama, 500 miles short of the intended destination.

In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.

Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business

WASHINGTON—Department of Health and Human Services officials held a press conference Monday to announce that while no studies had been conducted to establish that the practice is unhealthy, people still should not eat candles.

Most Clippers Fans Still Have No Idea Team Is Doing Well

Man Wants To Give To Local PBS Affiliate But Can't Stand Thought Of Free Doo-Wop Album

Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It's a special GOOMF Blast!

LOS ANGELES—At a press conference Monday, Everton and Los Angeles Galaxy forward Landon Donovan announced his signing of a $2-Per-Goal contract with his grandparents Frank and Dianne Donovan—a full 100 percent raise from his previous ag...

HOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind's understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13...

Talking Trash

A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit.

Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election.

Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On

Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign